


Thorny hearts and hidden flames

by Silverlightning



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Eventual Romance, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-02-01 02:22:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12695133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverlightning/pseuds/Silverlightning
Summary: Two lonely hearts, longing for a connection neither one has the courage to pursue. When Aaron Hotchner loses everything he risks drowning in desperation and fear. Instead, he finds love and friendship. But will his thorny heart hurt the one he longs for?Spencer Reid gets finally the chance to form a deeper connection to the man he admires above all others. But will the hidden flames burning brightly in his heart destroy the newfound friendship?





	Thorny hearts and hidden flames

Chapter 1  
"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."  
\- Antoine de Saint Exupery

Dr. Spencer Reid yawned and rubbed his eyes. It was late and the usually buzzing activity of the B.A.U headquarters had been replaced by abandoned silence, only disrupted by the soft footsteps of the cleaning crew. He looked up and smiled at an older man with a dust wipe in hand. The other ignored his smile and proceeded to dust the printer and collect the pieces of paper that had been left on the floor around the printer during the day. 

You could say a lot about F.B.I agents but most of them weren’t very neat; always laser focus on the task at hand but a high level of disregard for everything else around them. Like using the paper bin or the fact that someone might have to clean up the mess they made all day. Like the abandoned paper mugs leaving coffee marks on the shiny surface of gray desks. Spencer was about to get back to reading a textbook about string theory when he heard glass shattering and someone swearing. He frowned and tried to find the source of the noise. As he looked around he discovered that the light was still on in Hotchner's office. 

Spencer worried his lips for a moment before slowly getting up and walking towards his bosses office. The swearing got louder as he approached and suddenly another voice could be heard- whispering, hushing the other man. Reid couldn’t determine who the voice belonged to and he decided to turn back to his desk, uncomfortable at the thought that he might interrupt a private conversation between Hotch and his visitor. But somehow he couldn’t bring his feet to move and strained his ears to determine what was going on in Hotch’s office.

Reid slowly reached for the doorknob when Hotch raised his voice again. This time Spencer could clearly hear the words “shut up” and “get the hell out of here”. Suddenly the door was wrenched open from the inside, revealing Gideon with a furious expression covering his features. He stormed in big strides through the door and stopped next to Spencer for a brief moment.

“If I were you, I’d stay away from him today, kid,” Gideon said and continued walking towards the elevator doors. When he reached them he pushed the elevator button violently and mumbled incoherently when the elevator started its slow descent from the upper floors. 

“What is going on?” Reid asked, his question drowning in the signature pling that indicated that the elevator had reached their floor. The doors opened and Jason walked inside without acknowledging Spencer's question. 

Spencer breathed slowly in and out, trying to fight off the uncomfortable feeling inside his chest. Part of him was worried about Hotch and the other part wanted to go back to his desk and hide behind a book, pretending he hadn’t seen or heard anything. Clearly, Hotch was angry and upset, which was never a good combination especially for an agent. They were under so much pressure every day that this level of anger must mean something serious had happened. 

Aaron was more professional than all of them combined. Hearing him talk like that to another agent, a member of their team at that, indicated that he really wasn’t in a good place. The worry kept Spencer nailed to the spot, internally debating if it really was a good idea to enter the older agent’s office. He knew that if Aaron wasn’t doing well he wouldn’t want any of the team members to see him in a state of unraveling. You didn’t need to be a profiler to understand how much Hotch valued his professional demeanor, even in front of the team. While everyone on the team grew closer he always tried to keep them at an arm's length distance. He was friendly and caring but he never shared much of his private life or inner thoughts with the team. Despite that knowledge, Spence couldn’t just walk away.

Quiet sobs reached his ears and he closed his eyes for a brief moment. Hearing the usually strong and resilient man cry made his heart beat faster, pumping adrenaline through his body. The urge to comfort and take care of the other made him take two tentative steps towards the cracked door. He inhaled deeply before pushing the door open and stepping into the room he knew so well.

On his first day at the F.B.I almost two years ago he had felt like he was in way over his head. Virtually everyone in the building was older than him, wearing smart suits and looking buff and well trained. He had felt like a child pretending to be an agent. He had gotten some confused stares on his way to his new unit, the lady at the reception even checked twice if he really was Dr. Spencer Reid, the new member of the B.A.U. He guessed that everyone had expected something else, not a scrawny boy, looking like he was fresh out of college. Spencer had no illusions about his appearance or his odd and often awkward social behavior. Accepting the job at the B.A.U he had known that it wouldn’t be easy, that he would trap himself in a swimming pool full of sharks. 

That day he had knocked on Hotch’s door gingerly, almost as if he was afraid to actually enter the room, which was pretty close to the truth. Hotch had opened the door and greeted him with a welcoming smile and a reassuring handshake. If the other was surprised by Spencers looks or age he didn’t show it and within minutes he had Spencer actually laughing and relaxing. While the others on the team had been as surprised by him as he had feared Aaron never participated in any joking about his age or lack of F.B.I training and shooting skills. He always treated him respectfully and on their roughest cases it was always Hotch he turned to when he felt lost and insecure. Aaron had always made him feel safe and while he eventually bonded with the other team members he continually longed to grow closer to Aaron. 

Spencer shook his head to get rid of the memories and focus on the situation at hand. Hotch was sitting on the floor, surrounded by broken glass. Reid quickly assessed that the glass belonged to the water jug always standing neatly on Hotch's desk. Aaron was hugging his knees, his knuckles bruised and split open, blood slowly dripping onto the blue carpet. Above his head there was a fist-shaped mark on the wall, indicating that Hotch had punched the wall in rage. The odor of sweat and alcohol coming from the man made it difficult for Reid to breath. The black strands of Hotch’s hair were soaked in sweat, so was his white shirt. 

Reid crouched down and put a hand on the small stretch of skin beneath Aaron’s wrists that was not bloody and injured. 

“Hotch, what happened?” Reid finally whispered, inching closer and closer, trying not to step on the broken glass. When their knees touched Aaron looked up, his eyes blood stained, red and puffy from crying. Seeing the older male so disheveled broke Spencer's heart. Hotch just stared at him, without answering his question.

“Go away, Reid,” Hotch finally said, but there was no heat or venom in his voice, he sounded exhausted and sad. 

“No, I won’t. I won’t leave you alone like this,” Reid answered, his voice stern, carrying the hint of steel he knew was necessary for situations like these. 

Reid had taken care of his mother during countless breakdowns and depressive episodes since he was a child. He knew that the refusal to accept help was only a defense mechanism and that what the person really needed was someone to lean on, someone who cared. After he left his mother for college and she had been admitted to a facility he tried to distance himself from that role. It wasn’t a role he had chosen but that he had been forced to take on and it was liberating to not care about anyone but himself.

But college was a long time ago and he cared for Hotch, liked him since the first day they met. He would never walk away when the other so clearly needed someone at his side. Spencer contemplated briefly why Gideon, being the good profiler he was, could not see how broken Hotch was.

Firstly Hotch laughed at Spencers answers, a desperate and gut-wrenching sound. Soon the laugh changed into deep sobs that shook the other's body. Spencer crawled to the glass free spot next to Hotch and sat down gingerly. He wrapped his arms around the shaking man, not sure if the action would provoke the aggression of the other. Hotch’s body tightened in Spencer’s arms before he cried out and fell sidewards, burying his face on Spencer's shoulder. 

Spencer swallowed thickly and buried his hand in Hotch’s thick hair. Massaging her head had always calmed down his mother and after a couple of minutes, it seemed to have the same effect on Aaron. Spencer kept slowly repeating that Hotch wasn’t alone and that whatever happened they would get through it. That he promised not to leave no matter what happened. A string of words, creating a soothing mantra spoken until Spencer's throat was raw and his shirt soaked in tears. He felt Aarons warm cheek pressed into his shoulder through the wet fabric now clinging to his skin. Aarons breath ghosting over his collarbone made him shiver slightly. 

He couldn’t tell how much time had elapsed since he stepped into Hotch’s office when Hotch finally spoke. The blood from the split knuckles had stopped running down Aaron’s hands and his erratic beating heart had slowed down, to a seemingly normal pace. Spencer had his fingers on Hotch’s wrist feeling the other's pulse, slowly stroking the sensitive exposed skin.

“It’s over. Everything. It is dead. The baby, it is dead.” 

Spencer looked shocked down at Hotch, processing the information. The Hotchners had only recently announced that they were going to have a baby. 

“I am so sorry. What happened?” Spencer asked, fighting the urge to tighten his hold on the other man. 

“Miscarriage. The baby is gone. They say it is normal, that it happens.” Aaron's voice drowned in tears his hands fisting the fabric of Reid's jumper. 

“Normal. Ha. Normal. Like it happens all the time that you lose everything, your whole life shattered into pieces.” Hotch sounded bitter, desperation coloring his voice.

“I know it must be horrible to go through something like this but you still have Hayley right?”

Spencer sounded pathetic even to his own ears. He had never been good at dealing with loss. Not his own or the loss of others. That's why he rarely visited his mother. It was too painful and reminded him of everything that they had lost. His mother her sanity and he his childhood. 

“No, I don’t. It's over. It has been for a long while but then we found out that she is pregnant and we decided to give it a shot. But now it's over and she blames me because I wasn’t there when it happened. Was at work, as always.”

“It is not your fault you could not have prevented this from happening, Aaron.” 

Hotch looked up at the unusual use of his first name and Spencer blushed slightly. Everyone on the team called him Hotch but in Spencer's head, he had always been Aaron. 

“I know, I know. It’s not that.It just feels like everything's falling apart.” Hotch stated, tiredly rubbing his eyes. 

“You are not alone in this!” Reid took Hotch’s hand and squeezed it lightly, avoiding to touch the injured knuckles. To his surprise, the other didn’t retract his hand or shied away from the contact but curled his fingers around Spencer's slimmer ones. 

“Let me get you some water,” Reid suggested, slowly pushing Hotch away from his body to be able to stand up. When he stood he reached out to drag Hotch to his feet. 

“Sit, I’ll be back in a minute,” Reid ordered, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth when Aaron complied without hesitation and fell down into one of the armchairs. 

It took not long to fetch a wet cloth from the bathroom down the hallway and a glass of water. Reid released the breath he was holding when he reentered the office and found Hotch still sitting on the same spot, his head buried in his hands. 

He approached the man and sat down on the corner of the armchair, prying Hotch’s hands away from his face. For a moment Spencer was astonished how natural the physical contact between them felt even though neither of them was touchy-feely by any means. 

“Drink this, you’ll need to get some fluids into you.” Hotch nodded and took the glass från Reid's outstretched hands. We had finished he placed it on the small table next to the chair. 

“Let me take care of your hands now,” Spencer lowered his voice and took one injured hand into his own. Aarons' hands covered his smaller ones entirely and he felt the rough patches and calluses from gun practice. Reid gently cleaned the split knuckles and the blood that had run down to Hotch’s wrists. Reid stopped when Hotch hissed in pain.

“Sorry, I…” Reid was interrupted by Hotch immediately

“Don’t be, you….I can’t even. Thank you so much. For staying” Hotch stammered and Reid smiled at him reassuringly.

“Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” he murmured, hiding his eyes behind the hair that was falling into his face. He didn’t brush it away annoyed like he usually did but let the strands of his brown hair frame his face like a curtain.

Aaron didn’t acknowledge his comment other than he caressed the palm of Reid's hand softly with his fingertips. The touch was soft and brief, gone in an instant like a butterfly. 

The white linen cloth had finally turned red from Hotch's blood and Reid dropped it into the paper bin when he had cleaned all the blood of his boss's hands. 

“Hotch, I think you should go home. You need a shower and more importantly, you need to get some rest.” Reid looked up at Hotch who frowned slightly at his words. 

“It’s ok I can stay here. I am...not really welcome at home right now until Hayley has moved in with her sister.” Aaron bit his lip and looked down at his hand still held in a gentle grip.

Chocolate brown, tear-filled eyes connected with his own and Reid had to fight the urge to lean forward and hug his boss. He was pretty sure Hotch wouldn’t appreciate pity even though Reid's heart was breaking for him right now.

“You can stay at my place a couple of days if you want. I have enough room.”

The offer hung in the air a couple of seconds in which Spencer had the time to berate himself for crossing the line of what was appropriate between a supervisor and his subordinate. But right now he felt like Aaron needed a friend, not a colleague. Spencer wasn’t sure that Aaron had so many friends outside the B.A.U. Almost none of them did because their long hours och continuous travel made it difficult for them to maintain relationships, friendships or romantic ones.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to impose.” Aaron finally spoke, his voice low and shoulders hunched.

“You don’t. Of course, I am sure. Besides it's going to be a nice change of routine to not be alone.” Spencer bit his lip, internally scolding himself for revealing far too much information. Hotch really didn’t need to know how lonely he sometimes was. 

Spencer retracted his hand and folded his arms across his chest. He felt foolish for saying that he usually was alone and tried to fight the reflex to run and hide. 

“Thank you, Spencer. I appreciate it.” Aaron left the chair and walked up to Reid who had stepped a couple of feet back. He stopped and squeezed Reid’s shoulder lightly and Spencer couldn’t stop himself from leaning into the touch. Aarons' hand lingered on his shoulder a couple of seconds, spreading warmth and reassurance. 

“Let’s go then,” Spencer said with more cheer than what was appropriate at the moment. But somehow he felt awkward and had a hard time finding the right balance in tone. Aaron nodded and walked to his desk to pick up the travel bag he usually had with him on cases. He slung it over his shoulders and nodded at Spencer who turned around to leave the office. 

Their walk through the bullpen was quiet, even the cleaning crew had finished their work for the day. The only thing that could be heard was the air conditioning unit tirelessly working its magic and the low humming sound coming from some of the computers that were still on despite the fact that everyone had gone home. They walked by Spencer's desk and he stopped to pick up the car keys that laid abandoned under some documents. It took him a while to locate the keys so that Hotch had the time to study his desk and pick up the framed photo of the team. 

“That's nice. When was this taken?” Aaron asked, curiously examining the photo in his hands. 

“Last B.A.U summer party,” Reid explained curtly, grabbing the keys and starting to walk towards the elevators. It felt unsettling having Aaron examining his desk, Reid only hoped that the other wasn’t profiling him. 

“That explains the casual attire,” Hotch laughed and placed the photo back on the desk, hurrying after Spencer who was already a couple of steps ahead.   
In the elevator, on their way down to the parking garage, Hotch smiled at Spencer.

“You know it is really lovely that you have a picture of the team on your desk.” 

Spencer nodded and tried to hide the blush that was creeping up from his neck. There was, of course, nothing unusual about having a picture of one's colleagues. Spencer kept it because it reminded him of a fantastic evening, that had ended with him and Hotch walking home side by side, talking and laughing. He had felt so at ease that evening, like he really belonged somewhere and had a purpose in life, surrounded by people he admired and who made him feel warm and welcome, despite all of the teasing and bickering. He had learned that it was just their way of showing affection. 

“It was a wonderful evening,” Aaron continued when Reid didn’t answer earning him a surprised stare from Reid. 

“I thought you didn’t remember?” Spencer asked curiously when the pling of the elevator once again robbed him of the chance of getting an answer. 

They stepped into the parking lot and Spencer opened his car that was parked just around the corner. The lights flashed as he pushed the button on his keys. Their steps echoed in the empty building and Spencer shivered involuntarily. They had been through too much for him to ever feel comfortable again in empty buildings at night. He gave the scenery a quick once over before entering the car. Hotch entered the car on the passenger side and buckled up before taking a deep breath.

“I do not remember the photo but I remember the evening.” He said quietly, glancing at Reid who ignited the car and pulled out of the parking space in a swift motion.

The silence stretched between them as they drove through the dark evening. But it wasn’t an uncomfortable, tense silence but a silence filled with companionship much like the silence that usually settled over them after a case on the airplane on their way back to Quantico. It took only a couple of minutes until Hotch rested his forehead against the car window, his eyes closed and breath even. Reid couldn’t help but smile at the sight. The car ride to Reid’s apartment complex was rather short and Aaron looked startled when they pulled into the parking lot and Reid killed the engine. 

“I have never been to your place,” Hotch murmured and slowly opened the door. He flinched as he did so and Reid contemplated if it was the knuckles that caused Hotch pain or if he had injured himself further.

When they finally entered the apartment Reid had to fight a wave of awkward embarrassment when he realized that the place really needed some tidying. Clothes were scattered around the bedroom and on his unmade bed. Books in piles on the living room floor and some used teacups in the sink. 

“Please come in and make yourself at home,” Reid murmured, trying to hide his embarrassment by starting the coffee machine without even asking if Hotch wanted to have a cup of coffee. He just needed something to occupy his hands and his mind with. 

As he scooped the coffee into the filter Hotch dumped his bag in the corner of the room and joined him in the small adjourning kitchen. 

“Mhhmm what is that smell?” Hotch asked, taking a couple of steps to close the distance between him and Reid who smiled an insecure little smile at the comment. 

“Cinnamon coffee, it is really tasty,” Reid explained, added water and pushed the button to start the coffee machine. It roared and sizzled until the first drops of black coffee fell into the glass jug, spreading the distinct smell of cinnamon.

“That’s why you always smell like cinnamon in the morning,” Aaron said, ducking his head slightly when Spencer turned around and looked at him in surprise. For a moment he was rendered speechless by the fact that Hotch had noticed the scent of cinnamon from his morning coffee and that he would so casually admit it. 

The gears in Reid’s started turning, wondering how his boss could have possibly noticed that. It wasn’t a strong or dominant scent which indicated that the other had been physically close to him to perceive it. How could he have missed that? 

“Ehrm, yes I guess so,” Reid finally stammered to breach the silence that had once again settled between them. He swallowed a couple of times to get rid of the nervousness that had somehow emerged. 

Spencer had always felt at ease around the older agent, safe and cared for. Hotch was the one person on their team he blindly trusted. The nervousness he felt around him was new and he tried to shake it off. Maybe it was just his nerves acting up because he wasn’t used to having guests at his apartment and it made him feel vulnerable and exposed. 

Hotch didn’t seem to notice the tension that had taken over his subordinate and proceeded to curiously look around the room. He walked along the shelves and let his finger glide over dusty book covers and nick nacks that Spencer had brought home with him on various occasions. He mostly bought them because they reminded him of something nice he had experienced, a person he had saved or a day he had enjoyed together with the team. When he had a bad day, when he felt lonely or sad he usually picked them up one by one reminding himself that he wasn’t alone, that he belonged somewhere and did a lot of good.

Seeing Aaron inspect his apartment so curiously made his stomach churn. Reid suddenly realized that no one but himself had entered the apartment since he moved in. He felt anxious that Hotch would be able to detect that, that his loneliness would be painted all over the apartment. He couldn’t even tell why he tried to hide the fact that his social life was non-existent. That’s what the team thought anyway; poor Spencer who was too awkward to make friends or have a social life outside the B.A.U. 

But Aaron didn’t comment on anything, he silently looked at Spencer's favorite books and nodded approvingly before slumping down into the spacious sofa. Spencer tried to fight the feeling of dread that tried to overwhelm him and took three deep breaths, just like he had learned. It was a technique he used when he felt overwhelmed and out of control, breathing slowly into his stomach, grounding him and anchoring him to avoid getting caught up in the tornado of panicked thoughts racing through his mind at lightning speed. 

He poured the coffee with shaking hands into two blue B.A.U mugs and stepped out of the kitchen. Aaron smiled at him thankfully before taking his coffee from Spencer’s outstretched hands. Spencer tried to calm down so that Hotch wouldn’t notice his shaking hands or the cold sweat that had gathered at his hairline. 

Hotch frowned and leaned forward, putting the coffee on the low coffee table next to the sofa. 

“Spencer, are you alright?” He inquired, looking worried at the young genius. 

Spencer closed his eyes and nodded, feeling bad for the anxiety that had lodged itself in his mind and soul. Somehow he couldn’t bear to have the older agent see him for what he really was: a lonely, scared boy that was in way over his head at work most of the time. Someone who had never belonged to anyone, the outsider who no one really cared for. The one who people stared at because they didn’t understand half of the things he said. A genius mind that had never caused anyone to look at him in admiration but only fear and disapproval. 

All of a sudden Aaron was standing in front of him, touching his shoulder gently. 

“If it makes you uncomfortable that I am here I can find a hotel to stay at.” Hotch squeezed Reid's shoulder slightly, forcing him to make eye contact. 

“No please, don’t go. I’d love for you to stay it's just that,” Reid paused before continuing in a whisper “I don’t have guests very often.” 

When he looked up Reid saw only understanding reflecting in Hotch’s chocolate brown eyes. They looked at him with warmth, a look that sent a shiver down Reid's spine. 

“Relax, I promise I’ll be an easy houseguest,” Aaron joked and Spencer couldn’t help but laugh at the others goofy expression. Hotch winked at him before returning to the sofa and finally taking a sip of his steaming coffee.

“Coffee and cinnamon. Who would have thought that this could be a good combination?” Hotch chuckled and took another sip. 

Reid relaxed his shoulders and tried to get out of the anxiety loop that his brain had thrown him in. He let Hotch drink his coffee and walked into the bathroom to fetch the other a clean towel. He gave the room a quick once over but deemed it welcoming and clean.

Reid looked back at the living room, a warm feeling spreading through him at seeing Hotch sitting on his sofa, sipping coffee. Having Hotch so close made him still feel nervous, jittery and on edge but he reminded himself what a wonderful person his boss really was. He deserved to have a friend by his side while he was going through a rough patch in life. Reid desperately wanted to be that friend.


End file.
